Why am I getting a PhD?

Professors and senior grad students always advise you to write a letter about why you are trying to pursue a PhD. This is me listening to advice.

Reason one — A sense of achievement: I remember the night I got my acceptance letter. Well really it was in the morning. I woke up at around 02:30 to get some water. I was rejected by Brown and the University of Chicago the day before. Needless to say, I was feeling very anxious about what my future would look like. When I finally sat down to open my email and saw that I was accepted and fully funded, I cried.

I cried because up until that point, everything that was supposed to be an achievement felt like it happened on the sweat of my family, and more specifically my parents. I was able to do my undergraduate at Florida Atlantic University in the states. For those who may not know, I had to pay out of state tuition. Americans pay taxes that then offset some of the costs of university. Because I am international, those taxes obviously have not been paid and so I was charged the full amount of university fees. I was able to get two merit scholarships to alleviate the financial pressure, but it was still expensive both in dollar and more so in rand terms.

Me, my mom and dad on my graduation day.

I felt like my life was amazing, not because of any efforts I put in, but because I was lucky. I was lucky to have parents who supported my dreams. On the one hand, it is not lost on me that I am a profoundly advantaged person. Not only do I have parents who went along with my dreams, but they also gave me advantages that many do not have. Not everyone gets to:

1. go to university,

2. go to university in another country,

3. go to university in another country and graduate without debt.

I am grateful for what I was given. Few people, even Americans and those who live in the global north/first world, can say what I have said. And at the same time, up until my acceptance to Duke, I couldn’t point to anything that I felt like I really had worked hard to earn on my own sweat. That acceptance letter was proof of two things: first, that I had taken all that I was given by my parents and turned it into a tangible next step for myself. And second, that I achieved something on my own merit. Getting into the program in-and-of itself is reflective of the work that I did as an undergraduate. And then to get this PhD would feel like a major achievement that would reflect both mine and my parents' efforts.

Reason two — legacy: My maternal grandmother didn’t get past high school. I don’t know much about her and her life story, but I do know that being a black, single mom without an education during apartheid could not have been easy. She worked as a domestic worker, and a primary school cook. She physically chopped down wood to power her stove, and would knit jerseys, socks, and hats for her children and then make more to sell to other people in her township. She was an industrious woman who truly worked hard for everything she and her children had.

My maternal grand mother in her high school uniform.

My mom grew up during apartheid. She couldn’t go to varsity after high school because there were limited resources and she had to go to teaching school. My mother was only able to get her education after she was married with three kids. My father supported her emotionally and financially through all her years of getting her education and she graduated with her PhD in 2021. The fact that I can get a fully funded PhD at a prestigious university at 26, without being married, and without children feels like it would be completing a generational story around education in my maternal line. While I know I don’t have to do a PhD to fulfil what feels like a family legacy, I certainly feel compelled to go all the way in my education before marriage and children. It would make me feel as though my PhD is direct proof of the generational leaps my grandmother and then my own mother made. And I lowkey love that my children's university application to Duke will stand out simple because I went to Duke.

My mom and her advisor on her graduation day

Reason three — Time: I think Tevye from Fiddler on The Roof said it best. In his entertaining number, “If I Were a Rich Man,” Tevye describes all the things he would do if he were rich. Among building a house with a staircase that goes nowhere, he would:

discuss the holy books with the learned men, several hours every day / and that would be the sweetest thing of all

Of course, when he says "holy books" he is talking about the first testament of the Bible, and the Torah. But his sentiment, the desire to spend serval hours in a day pouring over books and discussing them with minds far more educated than his own, is what I connect to the most in his character. This degree affords me the time to read, to think and, to write. It gives me the time to discuss books I love with highly intelligent and learned people. I know that after I finish this PhD there will never be another time in my life where I can completely dedicate myself to these three activities. It is too easy to forget what luxury it is for an institution to pay you to read the books you want to read, and to write about topics you care about. In times before, only people of the wealthiest economic class could pursue humanities careers. While I may not earn much, I certainly earn enough to live the life I daydreamed about as a teen[1].

Overall, my reasons for getting the PhD have less to do with my future goals and more to do with wanting to achieve something on my own, completing something that feels like a generational task, and giving myself time that no other position will afford me.

[1] This is not to say that I will not support the Duke Student union in getting more money. More money is always good!